You are

A stranger

Yet

You narrate

My life

I am

Schizoaffective

Depressive

Or

Bipolar?

The diagnosis

Is not

In

My

Power

Nor is

The pain

But

The voice

Is

Learning JavaScript during a psych. ep.

I can’t believe I’m learning JavaScript during a psychotic episode. I wasn’t aware it was possible to do anything during a psychotic episode.

Psychotic ramblings:

My family is so noisy and invasive. They’re such bad people. They never stop, and they morph into me and frame me and possess me. They’re evil. They control my visuals and thoughts, and the sounds in my mind. They cough on purpose with precise timing to indicate something relevant or important, to them. To me. It is without purpose or function, and it is entirely unnecessary. They’re bat shit.

Update: episode but feeling alright?

Fuck, you guys, I’m having a bad episode full of inner visualizations blending over my reality, voices in my head, an overwhelming sense of suspicion that everyone on Earth is playing a nasty trick on me, and I don’t feel totally terrible about it.

What am I supposed to make of that?

Gosh. I never knew having a good mood could be so important. This is still a terrible state to be in, but the coping goes a little longer way with more positive energy.

Now some schizophrenic rambling:

My brother is doing all my talking for me, my mother said don’t respond to “him” (whoever that is), and I think my symptoms and his craziness (my brother’s) are putting him in a depressed mood (my brother). His outsides and his insides are so different. He looks nothing like the way I see him behave in my mind’s eye. He’s a totally maniac, in all honesty. I’m the one diagnosed with schizophrenia? He’s such an insane idiot. Wow. I can’t stand it. And he’s full of energy! Way too much. What else can I say. This is not a good situation. I don’t know why he’s picking on me.

/end-schizophrenia

(JK wish it was that easy).

 

I’m still working on learning computer languages in hopes of designing this computer game and making some web sites. I have ideas for things to program, but I need to figure out how to program them. Having ideas really helps. For example, at work they were supporting me in learning SQL and kept asking what projects I had in mind; I didn’t have any, so we stopped the learning. My education, that is. So it goes. Must have ideas. Always ideas.

What else…

Yeah, just sipping on a cider, vaping (as always), and staring at this bag of chocolates on my desk. Take what implications from that you will.

Toodles (it’s always too soon).

Mischevious Spirits

Okay. I’m getting what I call “mischevious spirits”. Everything (inanimate objects) looks alive and makes faces at me. It’s not hallucinations, I see just as well as normal, it’s sort of the interpretation of what’s on my retina. It feels like there’s something behind everything, in that conspiratory sort of way. Yeah. Anyway it’s a hassle at best.

Symptom Update

The negative energy is lessening up. Restlessness still there but possibly better. Still OCD-level afraid of work. Having trouble falling asleep lately. Psychosis (thought-voices, paranoid fear of family, feeling threatened) less. Negativity prominent from time to time.

Gonna try to fall asleep now.

I’m dosing a lot of kratom. Like over 20 g a day. There’s no medical research on this.

Hmm.

Well the main conclusion is tolereance does set it, and there are zero pleasurable effects from it at that point.

Then come the ambiguities.

It might cause demotivation, depression, anxiety, psychosis. Might. But it’s not a controlled experiment, so it may just be I have natural schizoaffective disorder. So. Problem. Hmm.

What do you think?

They say a normal dose is 2 teaspoon / day (4 g). I’m at least 5x that.