We sit up high
There are places I see from my peak that I can not reach nonetheless
In my mind exist a few
The sparsity of the phenomena
But have no say
What I mean is
There are distinct problems
That are very large
That I guess I could attack
Knew I how
At this point people call me crazy
Maybe it’s not even real
The language is simple
But I must communicate clearly with you
I have goals
I have problems
And others have problems with my problems
So it’s pretty antagonistic
This leads to a lot of discord
Inside and out
But for now
I’ll just get my coffee
Taking the plate downstairs
I can do none of this
For I am ill
I am wandering and everything I am supposed to do
And everything I am not supposed to do
I do not
And now they’re telling me to do the things i’m not supposed to do
So I have a lot of work on my plate
Someone’s washing it
Someone’s playing tricks on me
Capable of controlling my perception
I wish it was at least normal
I miss Normal
That word doesn’t mean what you think it means…
I’m trailing off
I’ll be gone soon
But I’m leaving a trail
For you to follow
In case you want to get lost
Like I did
And they see
And they look
And they know
Knowing is unforgivable
Knowing about me
Who deserves to know about me?
I’m not alone
But I’m alone
There’s a never-ending contradiction in front of me
And I can’t solve it
I’m not allowed to
I’m the beast in the beauty
I stay solid
I do not dissipate
Though they want me to
Are always around
They have eyes in the chocolate
They have lies in the cocoa
Allow me to explain what I mean by Alone
But surrounded by enemies
That wasy easy
No not really
No one else
But not just me
And custom agents
And the jist
I feed them
With my thoughts
And they are paid
And it’s always on the wrong target
I’ll try harder
And burn out sooner
It sounds like a plan
Hi everyone. Just introducing myself to all the new lurkers. you’re welcome.
So. How goes it?
I know, I know.
And then some.
sorry about that whitespace. It’s all I do.
NO NEGATIVITY ALLOWED.
That was sarcastic. Negativity is great!
EVERYTHING IS SACRED.
No. Nothing is sacred.
Well, some things are. I misspoke. Thought is sacred. Peace is sacred. Safety. Love? Not sure what that is.
But the way people are acting in my mind is ridiculous. They are way too serious about everything. They need to loosen up and stop threatening me.
Another episode. There have been a string of them the last few weeks, more often than normal, concurrent with my increase in kratom dosage and increase in Lexapro dosage. Something about the combination must not be good for me.
I can’t believe nobody can see what I see. And what I see is deeply disturbing. People are crazy. =(
Having another episode. They’re starting to become uncomfortably frequent. I hope it’s just a coincidence. But I also don’t, because if it’s pure chance, there’s no way to control it.
It’s like, the whole world just turns into abusing me. Everything everyone says feels like they’re abusing me, and I hear people’s voices in my head continuing the abuse. It’s awful. If only I weren’t so sensitive, it wouldn’t matter. But I am.
This one’s milder than yesterday, and both were milder than the running average, though.
Having an episode. They’re becoming more frequent since I went on lexapro and increased my dose of ktea. I wonder if it’s causative. Not enough evidence yet to convince me that it’s not coincidental.
I’ll stay at what I’m with and make it through… for now.
My family is so noisy and invasive. They’re such bad people. They never stop, and they morph into me and frame me and possess me. They’re evil. They control my visuals and thoughts, and the sounds in my mind. They cough on purpose with precise timing to indicate something relevant or important, to them. To me. It is without purpose or function, and it is entirely unnecessary. They’re bat shit.
Fuck, you guys, I’m having a bad episode full of inner visualizations blending over my reality, voices in my head, an overwhelming sense of suspicion that everyone on Earth is playing a nasty trick on me, and I don’t feel totally terrible about it.
What am I supposed to make of that?
Gosh. I never knew having a good mood could be so important. This is still a terrible state to be in, but the coping goes a little longer way with more positive energy.
Now some schizophrenic rambling:
My brother is doing all my talking for me, my mother said don’t respond to “him” (whoever that is), and I think my symptoms and his craziness (my brother’s) are putting him in a depressed mood (my brother). His outsides and his insides are so different. He looks nothing like the way I see him behave in my mind’s eye. He’s a totally maniac, in all honesty. I’m the one diagnosed with schizophrenia? He’s such an insane idiot. Wow. I can’t stand it. And he’s full of energy! Way too much. What else can I say. This is not a good situation. I don’t know why he’s picking on me.
(JK wish it was that easy).
I’m still working on learning computer languages in hopes of designing this computer game and making some web sites. I have ideas for things to program, but I need to figure out how to program them. Having ideas really helps. For example, at work they were supporting me in learning SQL and kept asking what projects I had in mind; I didn’t have any, so we stopped the learning. My education, that is. So it goes. Must have ideas. Always ideas.
Yeah, just sipping on a cider, vaping (as always), and staring at this bag of chocolates on my desk. Take what implications from that you will.
Toodles (it’s always too soon).