Route of Attack

We sit up high

There are places I see from my peak that I can not reach nonetheless

In my mind exist a few

The sparsity of the phenomena

To explore

But have no say

What I mean is

There are distinct problems

That are very large

That I guess I could attack

Knew I how

At this point people call me crazy

Maybe it’s not even real

The language is simple

Overly so

But I must communicate clearly with you

I have goals

I have problems

And others have problems with my problems

So it’s pretty antagonistic

In sum

This leads to a lot of discord

And conflict

Inside and out

But for now

I’ll just get my coffee

Washing

Taking the plate downstairs

I can do none of this

For I am ill

I am wandering and everything I am supposed to do

I do

And everything I am not supposed to do

I do not

And now they’re telling me to do the things i’m not supposed to do

Also

So I have a lot of work on my plate

Someone’s washing it

Someone’s playing tricks on me

Magic show

Cursed

Hellish

Magician

Capable of controlling my perception

I wish it was at least normal

I miss Normal

Normative thoughts

Normative actions

That word doesn’t mean what you think it means…

I’m trailing off

I’ll be gone soon

But I’m leaving a trail

For you to follow

In case you want to get lost

Like I did

Plan

And they see

And they look

And they know

Knowing is unforgivable

Knowing about me

Who deserves to know about me?

I’m not alone

But I’m alone

There’s a never-ending contradiction in front of me

And I can’t solve it

I’m not allowed to

By Nature

I’m the beast in the beauty

I stay solid

I do not dissipate

Though they want me to

They

Are always around

They have eyes in the chocolate

They have lies in the cocoa

I’m alone

Forever

And never

 

Allow me to explain what I mean by Alone

Isolated

But surrounded by enemies

That wasy easy

 

You too?

No not really

No one else

But not just me

And followed

And custom agents

And the jist

Is restlessness

I feed them

With my thoughts

And they are paid

For theft

 

Focus

Never ends

And it’s always on the wrong target

I’ll try harder

And burn out sooner

Next time

It sounds like a plan

NO NEGATIVITY ALLOWED.

 

That was sarcastic. Negativity is great!

 

EVERYTHING IS SACRED.

 

No. Nothing is sacred.

Well, some things are. I misspoke. Thought is sacred.  Peace is sacred. Safety. Love? Not sure what that is.

Etc.

But the way people are acting in my mind is ridiculous. They are way too serious about everything. They need to loosen up and stop threatening me.

Another episode. There have been a string of them the last few weeks, more often than normal, concurrent with my increase in kratom dosage and increase in Lexapro dosage. Something about the combination must not be good for me.

I can’t believe nobody can see what I see. And what I see is deeply disturbing. People are crazy. =(

Having another episode. They’re starting to become uncomfortably frequent. I hope it’s just a coincidence. But I also don’t, because if it’s pure chance, there’s no way to control it.

It’s like, the whole world just turns into abusing me. Everything everyone says feels like they’re abusing me, and I hear people’s voices in my head continuing the abuse. It’s awful. If only I weren’t so sensitive, it wouldn’t matter. But I am.

Sigh.

 

This one’s milder than yesterday, and both were milder than the running average, though.

Having an episode. They’re becoming more frequent since I went on lexapro and increased my dose of ktea. I wonder if it’s causative. Not enough evidence yet to convince me that it’s not coincidental.

I’ll stay at what I’m with and make it through… for now.

Learning JavaScript during a psych. ep.

I can’t believe I’m learning JavaScript during a psychotic episode. I wasn’t aware it was possible to do anything during a psychotic episode.

Psychotic ramblings:

My family is so noisy and invasive. They’re such bad people. They never stop, and they morph into me and frame me and possess me. They’re evil. They control my visuals and thoughts, and the sounds in my mind. They cough on purpose with precise timing to indicate something relevant or important, to them. To me. It is without purpose or function, and it is entirely unnecessary. They’re bat shit.

Update: episode but feeling alright?

Fuck, you guys, I’m having a bad episode full of inner visualizations blending over my reality, voices in my head, an overwhelming sense of suspicion that everyone on Earth is playing a nasty trick on me, and I don’t feel totally terrible about it.

What am I supposed to make of that?

Gosh. I never knew having a good mood could be so important. This is still a terrible state to be in, but the coping goes a little longer way with more positive energy.

Now some schizophrenic rambling:

My brother is doing all my talking for me, my mother said don’t respond to “him” (whoever that is), and I think my symptoms and his craziness (my brother’s) are putting him in a depressed mood (my brother). His outsides and his insides are so different. He looks nothing like the way I see him behave in my mind’s eye. He’s a totally maniac, in all honesty. I’m the one diagnosed with schizophrenia? He’s such an insane idiot. Wow. I can’t stand it. And he’s full of energy! Way too much. What else can I say. This is not a good situation. I don’t know why he’s picking on me.

/end-schizophrenia

(JK wish it was that easy).

 

I’m still working on learning computer languages in hopes of designing this computer game and making some web sites. I have ideas for things to program, but I need to figure out how to program them. Having ideas really helps. For example, at work they were supporting me in learning SQL and kept asking what projects I had in mind; I didn’t have any, so we stopped the learning. My education, that is. So it goes. Must have ideas. Always ideas.

What else…

Yeah, just sipping on a cider, vaping (as always), and staring at this bag of chocolates on my desk. Take what implications from that you will.

Toodles (it’s always too soon).