Route of Attack

We sit up high

There are places I see from my peak that I can not reach nonetheless

In my mind exist a few

The sparsity of the phenomena

To explore

But have no say

What I mean is

There are distinct problems

That are very large

That I guess I could attack

Knew I how

At this point people call me crazy

Maybe it’s not even real

The language is simple

Overly so

But I must communicate clearly with you

I have goals

I have problems

And others have problems with my problems

So it’s pretty antagonistic

In sum

This leads to a lot of discord

And conflict

Inside and out

But for now

I’ll just get my coffee

I’m dosing a lot of kratom. Like over 20 g a day. There’s no medical research on this.

Hmm.

Well the main conclusion is tolereance does set it, and there are zero pleasurable effects from it at that point.

Then come the ambiguities.

It might cause demotivation, depression, anxiety, psychosis. Might. But it’s not a controlled experiment, so it may just be I have natural schizoaffective disorder. So. Problem. Hmm.

What do you think?

They say a normal dose is 2 teaspoon / day (4 g). I’m at least 5x that.

Does anyone have any media recommendations? I am going to start listening to a Stoicism podcast in the car. I like fantasy, dislike violence, and don’t like video/computer games or books. I don’t like board games either. I play MTG but am sort of meh about it. I don’t like music, all I can tolerate as soft background is mellow or bebop jazz, so far. I used to like trance and indie rock but I can’t stand the repetitive melodies and cliche sound anymore. I like science in concept but usually can’t read it too much out of boredom or more appropriately, lack of focus/interest, and I’ve tried taking computer coding courses but just never keep it up also out of lack of focus/interest.

 

I realize no one will respond to this, so that’s okay. Don’t feel guilty.

I don’t have anything I can do. I want to be able to read so badly, to get lost in books, but I don’t have the attention span or dedication. The will.

I just go on pinterest and look at pictures of little girls, occasionally (now) on facebook for no entertainment, occasionally (rarely) twitch for games (which I don’t like, and where everyone harasses me), and now I have this blog. It’s not as satisfying as it was in college. And I still have bouts of panic. I don’t really know what to do.

Being able to speak freely is amazing, though. This anonymity is such a good idea. I would be so punished for being myself by people I know and don’t know. It’s safe here. I hope.