You stand on the precipice of division and the number three becomes large
Larger, then
Then, smaller
And suddenly bibulous foam from below rises
Seething, this material seductively laments you
For you
And makes you feel…
Full of righteous fury
I forgot
But that doesn’t mean I don’t remember.
I like this one, especially the first and last lines, but I’d suggest some edits with metre in mind, e.g:
You stand on the precipice of division
As the number three becomes larger
Larger, then
Smaller;
Sudden bibulous foam rises from
Below.
This seething material laments you;
Laments for you
And makes you feel…
Full of righteous fury.
I forgot
But that doesn’t mean I don’t remember.
That’s only a suggestion though, don’t take my opinion for anything other than just that: an opinion
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Okay cool, I posted the edit along with a link to your blog to advertise! TY! <3
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Oh man I got mega bad vibes doing this. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong.
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Thanks, I appreciate it. I think this has more nuance to it than I initially estimated, and I think your position on the poem is better. It’s more… well… metered, the way you put it.
I’ll try to incorporate your suggestion into my writing.
Thanks.
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Thanks (for the link I mean). Glad the feedback helped
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