blerg, feeling v. unsafe but happy

Someone really freaked out about my life. Not someone particularly powerful, but with power over my life. They freaked out and pulled some strings to change how the world interacts with me. The civilized world, the natural world maybe even.

It harmed me greatly.

I am here, at <5 am PST waiting for the markets to open to trade <$75 in stocks commission-free. I am getting out of pharmaceuticals as that’s where I lost my 25 and into some other fun stuff. This is just for fun.

This voice keeps interrupting my thoughts. I don’t know why. Freedom is much better than overactive police. Maybe it’s trauma from the one time I was arrested. That would be a reason to talk to my therapist, only I don’t even fucking trust him. I trust my psychiatrist. The one drugging me with healthy pills. IF they can be called that. Typo, sorry.

I don’t really have anything to say. I’m so exhaustedly exasperated. I’ll take my medication this morning like every morning, and it will wear off by around 5-7 PM PST and I will act out my mental illness by yelling at people online and all around making lives miserable. Woe is me. Turns out the poorly understood does not seek to understand, either. I sent literally 14 private messages to my psychiatrist over the weekend. 14. Wtf. He doesn’t work on the weekend.

I need to shower and shave but not really. No one gives a fuck. Except my mom. And she’s just trying to present me well, she doesn’t actually care either. America’s only free because no one cares. No one, it seems, except the authorities: the police, the sheriff, the FBI, CIA, NSA. WHY in god’s name, are there, btw, three national crime-fighting agencies? Why can’t they just roll it into one? It’s way overdone. Silly. Probably a waste of taxpayer money.

I’m going to trade on Forex and I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I just need to transfer my savings to a different bank with yield higher than inflation and I should be good. And make repeating regular transfers from my checking account. And I should be good. You think I’m sick–and I ask, “Why?” You’re so narrow-minded.

What was I going to say…

I’m happy with my new medication. It doesn’t make my episodes better (it does), but it clarifies my mind and allows me to cope much better. Not emotionally–I don’t have emotions–but psychologically (if you’ll pardon me using that bastard of a term for a moment). Windows e-mail program reminds me of my e-mails at the most random times. I’m so creeped out by modern computing. There’s no security anywhere and everyone’s fucking trying to steal your information, which is threatening and dangerous (yeah right). Watch out, they might do their taxes for you. The U.S. government is more dangerous than the criminals it tries to stop. (Guess I’m one of those people now, who say shit like that). And don’t think there’s not a blacklist of psychologically profiled individuals who have been judged to be not loyal to the country; there is, and I’m on it. You’re on it. We really need to watch ourselves. The word loyalty has been corrupted. Authoritarianism IS happening like everyone says, only… behind our backs, not in the open. Nothing is a mistake. It’s all fucking on purpose. It’s not safe. This place is dangerous. But thank you, whoever’s spying on me and happens to know a colleague who’s solving gruesome murders. Statistics says you don’t matter, but I’m sure you feel good about yourself for indulging in your necrophelic fetish.

2 minutes till markets open. My family. That’s all I have to say.

Thanks for listening.

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